Toss & Turn.

Second week of being a JC 1 student.

2012-02-09T23:18:00.001+08:00

I had my first KI lecture today. It's my favorite subject so far. There are only eleven of us, and we have group discussions and across-the-tables debates. The teachers are also very open to ideas and give us the liberty to speak our minds. Well in this sense, I guess my first 'lecture' wasn't a lecture. But in any case, I had a lot of fun. It's interesting, listening to other's points of view and then getting a really good look at the statements given to us.

The sciences, I'm afraid, are quite dry. Right now, we're doing stoichiometry in Chemistry and cellular structures in Biology. Facts and formulae, yuck.

Literature was interesting. Learnt about the Victorian Era in preparation for our Victorian texts. I've been tasked with reading Twelfth Night. My Orientation Group-mate claims he barely got past the first two pages. 'Claims' being the operative word here, of course.

I kinda regret not taking H2 Maths, because I was reading through my OG-mate's notes and found that THEY ARE LEARNING THE GRAPHS OF 3D CONES. I am jealous. We're learning basic logarithmic laws and functions in H1 Maths (which is more like a recap since I conquered A Math last year).

The hundred-and-fifty-dollar graphic calculator will be the death of me. ~~Yay tech dinos unite!~~

First week of school.

2012-02-05T02:08:00.000+08:00

Orientation was great in general, and I'm so glad I didn't appeal to go into ACSI.

I took the KI proficiency test and managed to also take the ELL proficiency test (but not before really wanting the floor to swallow me up). Hopefully I can take both subjects!

I realize how strong the school spirit is here, and how loud we can be. I kinda pity the residents around the area sometimes.

Appealing to God.

2012-01-30T12:05:00.003+08:00

"God, should I appeal into ACSI?"
"No."

Mother's happy, because I'm following in her footsteps and even though she preferred the IB program thinking it'd be better for me, she's really supportive of me going to her alma mater. Thank God for my supportive parents. Daddy's happy too, I think.

"God, please give me lots of help for Chinese this year."

Underscoring.

2012-01-29T01:57:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

I'm confused about my feelings. I don't like this unsureness. I can't seem to let go of ___, yet I seem to gravitate towards _________, _____ and now even ______.

Tonight, I learnt that we should wait; that we should focus on seeking You instead, that You will provide us with what we need.

Please help me and guide me as I fight the urge to slip into a haze and try to gather my thoughts. Thank you for that enlightening sermon.

_________, _____ and ______ I believe were spontaneous--spurts at random points in time. Nothing too big. I'm still confused about ___, but I thank You for my great friends.

Also, thank You for being that little voice of reason that has prevented me from getting into all sorts of trouble. Thank You for giving me strength I talk to _____ and for encouraging me through _________.

Lord, please let me find You. I want to get to know You more.

Love is patient.

Love,

Elrie

Things about me that I didn't even know about.

2012-01-24T01:16:00.000+08:00

I feel guilty about ranting about my Mom. I was so frustrated then, I didn't think about the distant past.
Today, I learnt that I cried a lot as a baby. In fact, I even had a "happy hour" crying session from 6pm to 8pm every day for a period of time, which is a scary thought. I gave my mom so much crap when I was a baby--re-reading what I wrote and remembering what I thought then, I feel so ungrateful. I guess they do have a point when they tell you to not "speak when you're angry", huh. I really owe her.

And, I have failed again to love Jared. Honestly, I feel like telling God, "Forget it. I'll never be able to do it." But I know that God doesn't want me to give up. I know that He'll help me. But whether or not I have faith is another thing entirely. God hasn't let me down--but I can't seem to trust that He won't let me down this time with my brother. I don't know why, I just don't seem to have that faith. I want to have that faith. I want to believe.

I have a lot of refining to go through--I'm a far cry from perfection, contrary to what _____ thinks. But on the bright side, I know God is in control and that there is room for improvement in me.

Oh, and Veronica, I'm so, so proud of you.

Cat's out of the bag.

2012-01-21T00:40:00.000+08:00

Today, I ask you the question.
To my surprise, you're so direct. Honest with me, and understanding.

I don't want to get married. I don't want my kids to be miserable, feeling like they'll never be enough. Society's a cruel place to be. That's why I don't date, that's why I'm not looking out for anyone.

I'm sorry I don't return your feelings. I love you, just not the same way you love me. I love you as a friend.

You're hurting. It's in your eyes, but I don't have the heart to tear down your valiant attempts to seem okay. I'm sorry. I wish this were a painless exchange.

But thank you. For understanding.

For Veronica;

2012-01-17T15:25:00.003+08:00

You are not alone, sweetie. I'm with you.

I don't want to hurt your feelings just because I'm unsure of mine.

2012-01-16T21:35:00.001+08:00

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

2012-01-15T21:15:00.000+08:00

She wonders if she's ever going to do anything right, if she's ever going to feel like she's doing something right in your eyes.

She wonders if she's just overreacting, a hormonal change in her tender, pubescent years.

She wonders if she's psychotic, thinking such negative things when she has everything to feel good about.

She wonders if she's got worth in her gifts, then dismisses the thought because for all she's got, she feels absolutely worthless.

She wonders if she's ever enough for anyone, for everyone seems to only accept half of her, reject the rest, and demand more.

She wonders if she's significant, because her loudest screams appear mimed, falling on deaf eyes.

She wonders if she's truly happy.

She wonders why.

I need to talk to ~~someone~~ God.

sigh

2012-01-14T22:52:00.001+08:00

Another Lauren made this, not me.

I sang this with you. I remember--I started playing the riff subconsciously, and then you snatched the guitar and played it better than I did. But you know, I beat you at harmonies any day. Just saying.

~~Miss you. Hope you miss me too.~~
Oh impossibilities, arising with my optimism, the bringer of false hope.

What is it like to have impeccable grammar?

2012-01-13T00:52:00.002+08:00

I had absolutely no clue what to do when I woke up this morning. Other than submitting my application for junior college. I couldn't skate--my mom insists that I don't until my wrist is completely healed. Which is after Chinese new year.

So I tried writing again, after a long time of not writing because of exams and other things that commanded my fullest attention. Turns out I had one of the worst cases of writer's block. It sucked.

Then I thought of writing a song, before I realized that if words and ideas couldn't come to me in simple prose, it would be futile to try to fit them into verse and add a tune. Oh Elrie, you are such a bright child.

Thus, I went hunting for inspiration on fictionpress.com.

And as I browsed and plowed through story after story, I realized the importance of having an editor. Not that I can do a better job of what these writers do, but some of the stories I came across were barely understandable, though the ideas for the plot were fantastic. Riddled with grammatical and spelling errors and too many one-sentence paragraphs, these stories were choppy and quite difficult to understand at times.

The severity of its unreadability varied with each story, but more often than not, I realized that I didn't enjoy the stories as much because of the grammar and spelling mistakes. Even with the ones that had maybe three grammar mistakes, I realized I felt a tad disappointed and didn't really take the story as seriously.

I've always thought bad grammar was a huge turn-off for readers but I never thought that just one or two grammar mistake could make a reader feel disappointed.

Time to read Grammar Rules by Craig Shrives.

Then I watched Tony Hawk videos and felt really bad about myself (i.e. how I was too chicken to try crazy stuff on the skateboard and how I didn't dare to go up and down the ramps at East Coast park when David asked me to). Right then I really wanted to skate, but I knew I couldn't. So I ended up putting on my running shoes and doing a 5km loop. It felt really good ~~for the first time since before I went to Whistler~~.

And I really hope I'm accepted into ACS(I). I really want to do the IB program (IB kids out there, I'm sorry I don't understand how you dislike the program so much)--the Chinese is easy, and the work is broader and less constricting. Plus, Brian wants to show me around, though it apparently requires upper body strength. He told me to start doing chin-ups...

Grassland

2012-01-12T03:01:00.000+08:00

She stands in the sunshine, absolutely confused.

One she misses, one she trusts.

The one she misses, she does not reveal.

The flower continues to grow

with a thorn in her side

and the wilderness

of childhood in her eyes.

It penetrates the hopes

of others who fancy

Floating petals and rustling leaves;

velveteen voices and braided seams.

But the one she trusts, she goes by feel.

The touch-me-not shies away

while a blush like a creeper finds a way

to express itself

in the pink of health.

Here lies truth

of thoughts and hopes and beliefs

in faith and love--

no, something more blurry.

If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him.

2012-01-10T02:14:00.000+08:00

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

What Tim calls Doomsday is over.

It was pretty nerve-wracking, and there was a little twinge of disappointment at not being called up for 7 A1s, what with all the expectations and whatnot, but you know what? I'm absolutely ecstatic about my results! 7 points raw and 5 points nett, I'm definitely a happy kid. Not only did I survive the 'O's, I managed to do well! All glory to God, who saw me through this and gave me strength, who encouraged me through His Word, as well as the people around me. God is so gracious.

How can I ever say enough? How amazing is Your love!

I'm applying for ACS(I) as my first choice. I really hope I get accepted, but if not, I don't have anything to worry about, because I know that God is in control, and He has a plan for me.

I know I am loved by the King, and it makes my heart want to sing!

A Love Story: Revelation.

2012-01-08T20:14:00.001+08:00

Pastor Del preached a powerful sermon yesterday at church.

It made me really question the sincerity of the songs I sing. A "passion for Your name", "I am forever Yours", "I offer my life to You"--do I really mean it when I say these things? Or am I singing it just because everyone else is? I'm afraid that it has been the latter most of the time. I should really stop and consider the words I sing, so that I give my worship a meaning, a purpose. So that I don't just sing, but I sing for the Lord.

Also, Pastor Del posed the question to us--if we lust for God, or truly love Him. Lust, I learnt, is based on what someone does for you. Love, I was reminded, is based on the person himself/herself. Do I "love" God because of the things He's done for me, or do I love Him for who He is? That was one of the questions that made me very ashamed.

Then, there was the comparison between lost and forsaken. Losing is unintentional, forsaking is the intentional giving up of something. The sermon was based on Revelations 2:1-5. Have I forsaken Jesus? For unworthy, earthly things He gave me? It's like getting married and then spending more time fawning over your diamond ring than with your spouse!

Yet, God calls me back. He deals with me--a cheat who can't commit to Him, who chases other worldly things instead of dedicating time to Him--because he loves me. That last part there made me cry later on during the altar call. He loves me in spite of all the things I've done to hurt Him. He comes back for me every time I fall away. I don't want to fall away any more. I want to be so in love with Jesus that I would never forsake Him ever again. I want to feel joy just because I know Jesus delights in me.

I want to be in love again.

Some Hero You Are.

2012-01-06T23:33:00.000+08:00

Mom was commenting on the TV version of Much Ado About Nothing. She says that Claudio along with Hero's father should be punished for falsely accusing Hero of adultery without investigating the matter.
"Shouldn't Hero's father know his own daughter?" she said.

Makes me wonder how much my mom knows about me. She says I'm sweet, cheerful, strong, and she hates my negativity when it surfaces. I guess I don't show her my other much more negative side which shows itself more often on this blog. She'd probably get pissed at me and then pep-talk me until I show her my happy side or something. I just found it kinda ironic that she'd say something like that.

I don't blame her for not knowing me though, since I don't exactly want her to know how I feel in the first place. I don't trust my own mother. And I just can't figure out why. She is a trustworthy person. She is a nice person. But I just can't bring myself to talk about my true feelings with her. Or with anybody, for that matter. If I talk to anyone about how I feel, it's just a tiny slice of the huge emotional pizza residing in me.

So I pour my heart out onto the computer screen, hoping that whoever decides to read my dull, pathetic writing won't judge, even though I can't do anything about you judging me. And I don't blame you, either. I wouldn't like me at all if I were someone else.

~~Help/don't.~~

2012's Non-Resolutions

2012-01-03T17:25:00.003+08:00

1. For Jesus to be the centre of my life
-to walk closer with him
-to have faith
-to be committed to making time to spend with Him
-to listen out for Him

2. Love my family
-to be nurturing when correcting my brothers, not snide or sharp-tongued.
-to forgive them readily
-to honor my parents by obeying them

3. Love my friends
-to lead at least 3 of them to Christ
-to accept

4. Live a life that inspires
-to be positive
-to be encouraging
-(K-LOVE!)

I believe that God will bring these things into completion.

In the stillness, You are there.

2012-01-03T04:24:00.002+08:00

Something profound happened inside me the day the Lord showed me the single most important word in the entire Bible. I was on an intense study of Jesus’ teachings, and was suddenly struck by how often Jesus talked about the necessity of hearing. For example, He cried out, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear!” (Matthew 13:9). His words hit me like a freight train. I realized that everything in the kingdom depends on whether or not we hear the word of God. The Holy Spirit began to extrapolate that truth for me to the breadth of the entire Bible, and suddenly I saw it: The word “hear” is the most important word in the Bible! The most important treasures of the kingdom are predicated upon the necessity of hearing God.
For this reason, I strongly advocate for a prayer life that is comprised mostly of silence. It’s a great delight to talk to God, but it’s even more thrilling when He talks to us. I’ve discovered that He has more important things to say than I do. Things don’t change when I talk to God; things change when God talks to me. When I talk, nothing happens; when God talks, the universe comes into existence. So the power of prayer is found, not in convincing God of my agenda, but in waiting upon Him to hear His agenda.
I do not mean to give the impression that hearing God’s voice is my daily experience in the secret place. Far from it! Most days I come away with unfulfilled longings, unrequited initiatives, unanswered prayers, unrealized aspirations, deferred hopes, and incomplete understandings. But then along comes one of those days – you know what I mean – when heaven leans over and God speaks a word directly to the heart. He breathes upon a portion of Scripture and personalizes its meaning precisely to my felt needs. Oh what glory! That moment is worth all of the knocking and seeking of the preceding days. I will endure months of silence if He will but speak one creative word from His mouth to my spirit.
My role in the secret place is to listen for anything God might want to speak. If He doesn’t speak to me, my time spent in silent listening is not futile or in vain. I haven’t missed something or failed to connect. I’ve done my part. It is so important to me that I put myself in a posture of listening. I’m convinced there have been times I have not clearly heard God’s word to my heart because I have not been listening at the time He was speaking. I realize I can’t tell God what to speak, or when to speak it. But I can position myself in the secret place so that, when He chooses to speak, I am found listening.

- Bob Sorge's Secrets of the Secret Place: Keys to igniting your personal time with God

I found this excerpt on my friend's blog. She is so encouraging, positive and God-fearing, I can only dream of being half as inspiring as she is.

This was really an eye-opener (or rather, an ear-opener) for me. I have never really considered the idea of listening out for God. I've tried it a few times in church when the preachers led us in a time of listening, interjecting sometimes to prompt us, interceding for us. I've done it a few times in cell group too, but it never really occurred to me just how significant listening to God is. For the first time, I realized (forgive me for being so slow) that "[God] has more important things to say than I do". Telling Him what's been going on in my life and how I feel is not important, because all this He already knows! What's important is that I'm ready to hear, that I'm Present and listening out for God, for the things He speaks of, I do not know of until He tells me.

It can't be a coincidence that time dedicated to seeking God is called "Quiet Time".

Hello, 2012.

2012-01-01T02:23:00.008+08:00

Went out for lunch with Isaac at Holland V. Apparently, Abel stood him up. So I suppose I was his substitute.

Cell was exciting. Played an alternative version of Duck, Duck, Goose and this other game called Pictureka. Then we shared the things we thank God for this year, as well as the New Year Non-Resolutions (since resolutions never come to completion anyway).

I had fun with my childhood friends too! Writing in that silly notebook Bex and I first wrote in on that fateful day in 2006, and have continued to write in every time she came over for New Year's eve and either of my brothers' birthdays, playing 99, yelling "DANDAN CAN BE YOUR FILIPINO BOYFRIEND!" when Bex complains that the guy she likes is overseas, jamming with Tim (WE PLAYED THE ANDY MCKEE AND DON ROSS DUET VERSION OF EBON COAST!), eating pizza, talking about longboarding with Dandan and Tim, the works.

Here I am, once again. I find myself missing you on the last day of yet another year, wondering if I ever crossed your mind when the clock struck twelve for the start of the following year, wishing you were here with us, celebrating our survival through one more year. It's that strange mixture of miserableness and longing laced behind a perfect Cheshire Cat smile and shining eyes. More rose on smiley cheeks, an aural oxymoron, pleasing to the Tin Man, that heartless contraption. Funny how I still think about this, even with all the other things (and people) that demand my attention.

Horses: dangerous on both ends and crafty in the middle.

2011-12-30T23:22:00.003+08:00

I really enjoyed the Sherlock Holmes movie. Watched it with four other friends. Unfortunately (or fortunately, so there's nothing to compare the movie to), I have never read the books. My friend, however, was complaining about how it was "too American" and that there were too many modern influences. Plus, some of the events were wrongly depicted. For example, he said, Moriarty went to see Sherlock Holmes in Sherlock Holmes' office, not the other way around. I didn't know that, so I just nodded and said, "Oh."

After that, we went bowling. I can't bowl to save my life. My first three boxes were 8, 8 and 8. In total.

Then I went for dinner with my grandaunt, granduncle, uncle, and my gorgeous aunt. We had some really good Chinese food. They want us to drive up to Malaysia to visit my kid/toddler/baby cousins who miss us (awwww...). My brothers and I want to go up to Malaysia just to eat noodles. We are such pigs.

When we got home, Daddy and I had quality time together burping the ABCs in the kitchen. In the midst of giggling and making absurd noises, Mom walked in on us, opened her mouth to say something, reconsidered, and proceeded to roll her eyes and then walk off. Oh, the silly things I do with my dad.

I want to fly.

2011-12-28T21:21:00.002+08:00

I ran 5km this morning!

It felt terrible great. I felt...free. And tired. But free, nevertheless. Maybe I should've skated instead. That way I feel free and less horrible.

But I think all hopes of losing weight today is gone. I ate a Kinder Bueno. Ugh I'm such a pig.

If my arm wasn't broken, maybe I'd be so much fitter now.

Please show me what love really means.

2011-12-26T22:20:00.002+08:00

So today, I have come to the conclusion that I must try ~~not to fail~~ my absolute best to love my brothers, for in loving them I obey God and in obeying God I abide in Him.

IT'S SO HARD. And I failed today. I'll have to try again tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning, I'm waking up to run. I need to get back in shape/take up less space in the car/be thinner.

Feliz Navidad

2011-12-25T02:19:00.001+08:00

Time flew by, as usual. Strangely enough, it feels like an age since the big Os. To think it was just two months ago that I was sweating it out (and freezing my butt off) in the hall.

It's Christmas!!!

And with Christmas well-wishes comes the usual "God bless you" or something to that extent. It just hit me like a stack of Christmas presents to the head how ironic the situation is for me.
Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus, so it's a given for people who understand this to focus their attention on Jesus, right? Well, in all the gift-giving (not to mention gift-receiving), I seem to have completely overlooked the meaning of Christmas. I haven't given much thought to the very event that sparked Christmas, which is tragically ironic. The irony, embarrassingly enough, really emphasizes the fact that I have drifted further from God after my Os. It's something I am ashamed of now, because in retrospect, it makes look like Jesus is my 'back-up plan' only when I'm in trouble, when He should to be the centre of my life. He gave me this life and sacrificed himself for my sins. I know friends who say they would die for me, but Jesus died for everyone. Even the ones He knew weren't going to believe, and the ones He knew would condemn the people who believed.
And I just got immersed in my post-O level exam celebrations that I've been neglecting God.

Today, I went for my childhood friend's grandfather's memorial service. The pastor talked about holding onto God, through the good as well as the bad, and our response to God's amazing love for us. That really hit home. Yes, God. I see it now. How important being consistent with my Bible reading is, how giving God my 'leftovers' isn't honoring, how loving others like Jesus did as a man just over 2000 years ago. It all just came together at that service.

So I thank you, God, for this second chance, for Your grace and love for me.

The night before Christmas.

2011-12-24T23:17:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, the gifts you receive may not be exactly what you're looking for, but behind every gift is the perfect reason as to why you received it in the first place.

Today, my cell group had a Gift Exchange. I GOT MERCYME AND MICHAEL NEALE ALBUMS!!! On top of that, I received beautiful presents from Joy and Isaac. Joycelin's is wrapped so I'll only open her present tomorrow. Joy designed an owl notebook for me and Isaac made me a peewee garden in a jar!

SUCH WONDERFUL PRESENTS SO LOVINGLY MADE I FEEL SO BLESSED (:

Some things are better left unheard.

2011-12-22T20:20:00.001+08:00

I went out for lunch with Mom and my two brothers. About fifteen minutes into the conversation, my brother insulted me and my mom called me a failure. Things just went downhill after that. Of course they sounded like they were joking, and if I pressed the issue, they'd say, "Lighten up, can't you take a joke?" So I didn't.

It's sad how insecure I actually am. I brush it off on the outside, but inside I hurt. Smarting comments and snide remarks just have this way of lodging themselves in my brain and pushing every other positive thing out. For all the encouragement I get, I can't seem to believe any of the kind words spoken to me--they just get overruled by the bad stuff.

It's tiring, it's pathetic, and I just can't seem to shake it. Especially since other than this, my family is a wonderful family and I'm so lucky to be a part of it.

I try to convince myself they're just words, that my family doesn't mean any harm. I rarely believe it, and I end up distracting myself by busying myself, leaving me no time to dwell on it. Then another insult flies my way and I'm back where I started. It's a cycle I don't know how to get out of.

I used to paint with razors to cope, but then I figured the red lines would only add on to the already existing scars. Now, I just fall asleep. There are tears, of course, but they aren't so frequent and I get by.

When will I be convinced that I am of some worth?

Heartfelt, Professional Lying.

2011-01-20T21:53:00.000+08:00

I was just on We Heart It, and I saw so many typographies that summed up what I've been feeling the past few days.

It's pretty scary (to me) how my feelings can be summed up by complete strangers. Even I have trouble identifying and showing how I feel.

On another note, my classmate commented on how good an actress I was. I could keep a straight face while pranking someone else, I could cry almost instantaneously, and I was basically so in control of my body language and, seemingly, my emotions.
She had said, "You should be in the drama club! Seriously, you're so extroverted, loud, funny, and spontaneous! And you think really quickly!"
She mentioned the time when I tricked/lied to my teacher to her face and got away with it because I was so convincing, blah blah blah.
My other classmates heard and were like, "Oh yeah! Totally!"

But you know, it's sad to think that they look up to me (in this respect--no pun intended). I honestly don't think of myself as a fantastic actress, I've just had enough experience and practice. As much as I'm grateful for this skill, so that people don't ask too many questions and corner me, I'm a little disappointed with the lack of sincerity they show when they ask me "What's wrong?" jokingly when I'm a little quiet. I mean, sure, I love my personal space, I need my privacy. But sometimes I wish I could be very sure that someone here in this world really cares about me, and doesn't just look at me as a specimen to laugh with, laugh at, small talk with, admire, envy, or lust over.

La Lachrymose Lounge.

2011-01-10T20:23:00.000+08:00

Today wasn't very fun.
Yesterday, I stayed up until 1am today to finish up my Literature homework.
I was basically stoning during class, not absorbing a thing. Not. Good.

And therefore I have nothing much to say.

But the receiving of 'O' level results was today. The hall was full of drama. Majority cried, be it tears of joy or tears of grief, it was Lachrymose Lounge for the afternoon.

And to think I'll have to go through the same nerve-racking experience around this time next year. I'm aiming for seven A1s and one C6, the C6 being my target Chinese grade, and therefore an L1R5 of 6--perfect score. My cousin got 11, which is pretty good I guess. T didn't do so well, and he's really bummed.

All my teachers have laid down their expectations of me, all telling me I should get A1s for their subjects with the exception of my Chinese teacher who predicts I will fail, or barely pass. What a lovely prospect, isn't it?

Expectations.
I've never thrived on expectations, and my old pillar of support, whom first comes to my mind every time I need to lean on someone, is gone.
The adults say that the 'O' levels does not mark the end or start of the world, or the end or beginning of your future. Yet they pressure you to get a perfect score, to excel far beyond mere 75% (A1), and lecture and scold when you don't manage to get 80%.
This, in my opinion, is rather peculiar behavior. Their behavior doesn't match and support what they say, like "empty promises", in a sense.
But if parents did not make their children buckle down and study, I think majority of us kids would be delinquents and brutes, totally devoid of manners and poise. Our intellect would remain, though not really tested.
It's a delicate balance, as much as the idea of fineness bears a large contrast to the idea of buckling down lest we be brutes.

I'm just rambling. Apologies, all you readers (probably no one).

Just Dance.

2010-12-14T18:04:00.001+08:00

Wow.
I rented and watched Step Up 2: The Streets.
And boy, did it blow my mind.

Loved. It.

Now I feel like dancing. Which is pretty amazing, I mean, I love dancing, I just don't dare to because I CAN'T dance, although everyone I know says I could pass off as a dancer. I dunno.

Now I'm REALLY gonna bug Mom to bring me to Ikea to grab a full-length mirror to put in my room. My friends think it's scary how I don't have one. I use the one in my parents' room when I need to, but usually I just go with tank/t-shirts and jeans. Makes life easier.

Maybe I look like a dancer because I used to do gymnastics.
Ah well.
Time to trust my muscle memory and see if I can STILL do that headstand.

My Wish For You.

2010-12-14T01:26:00.001+08:00

I'm not asking you what any other girl would ask.
I don't care if you're in love with someone else, and I really hope you have someone waiting on you.

Because if you did, you wouldn't be doing whatever you're doing right now.

Please don't try ecstasy, please don't get drunk so much, please stop smoking, please stop fighting and going home hurt.

I love you. I'm not ready to lose you.

Getting Started On REGULAR Quiet Time.

2010-12-12T15:18:00.000+08:00

I did my QT last night. Until about 1 in the morning, but that's not the point.

It was a really relaxing period, just keeping silent and listening out for God. I had no idea what to read, so I sat down and talked to God in my head. About how I felt, about life in general, just like how I would want to talk with a close friend.

When I was done talking, I randomly opened my Bible and flipped through the book of Psalm. And then I analyzed like I would analyze Literature. Reading it over and over again, absorbing the message like a sponge.

I didn't feel enlightened, or a lot smarter, or invincible, nothing.
I felt calm and at peace.
I felt revitalized.
That was what struck me. And I like that peace and freshness.

I had a good sleep last night.
And I'm definitely doing that again.

Of Repentance & Discipline That Leads To Joy.

2010-12-11T23:32:00.000+08:00

I went for cell and youth service today.

Except today, cell was different. Since Joycelin was singing backup for worship later during service, we had PSP--Pre-Service Prayer. It's like worship, except simple and not-so-showy. It was a wonderful immersion. It's like lying down really near the sea and having waves of warm oil washing over you. Euphoric. At first, it felt wrong, because this week wasn't a very good week and I haven't been doing much talking with God or thanking him. But after a while of relaxing and basking in His presence, I felt free and light. Burdenless, in a sense.

I'm going to try doing that every day.

After PSP, we went to our cell room for debrief and reflection. Most of us (I think) were too overwhelmed to say anything but "WOW." It was that amazing. It felt wonderful. But I was puzzled over why I could suddenly feel so comfortable when I felt so weird moments before.

Then service came around and I wasn't puzzled anymore. Pastor Vic talked about Jesus' motivation for obeying God. And all of these reasons for obeying God was basically because they had a very close relationship.

Then he talked about how Christianity was not a religion, but more like a relationship with God. He proceeded to ask us all what our relationship with God was like, if we missed Him when we didn't spend time with Him. It was a powerful message, and it hit me hard.

I felt like shit this week. Not once did I think of going to God and talking to Him about it, like I would talk to a friend about it. Then I started to have this really icky feeling in my gut that I couldn't shake. There was an altar call, for whoever wanted to repent and really, REALLY have a relationship with God. A close relationship, and not one that only consisted of "God, I'm in trouble, please save me."

I felt like I needed to go up. A tugging at my heart, a definite pull. So I went up for altar call. I felt really bad for neglecting God and being so ungodly and horrible.

I had a long chat with God up there. I told Him everything I felt, like how I was unsure of how to love Him, and that I didn't know how to do it right, but that I was going to try either way, everything. To my surprise, when I was done, I saw many others kneeling at the front, repenting too.

It was a good wake-up call, and I'm glad I didn't miss this service.

I talked to Joycelin during dinner after service, telling her how I was unsure of what this amazing love for God felt like. She told me not to worry, just do my Quiet Time faithfully, and to trust that God will reveal this love to me in good time.

I'm going to do my QT regularly. I will need to discipline myself, but I trust that, with time, I will learn to love my QT and spending time with God. I love basking in His presence, but I should know what He's like too. So I'm gonna read my Bible and faithfully do my QT. There. I've said it, so I'll have to do it.

A Little Introduction.

2010-12-08T19:21:00.000+08:00

An anonymous blog. Somewhat.

If you know what to look for, you'd identify me almost immediately.

But you don't.

I'll be ranting here. My REAL feelings, and not just small droplets of the huge sea of emotion hiding inside this relatively-small body of mine.

If you don't like me, it's alright, it's easy to leave this site.